Book review of How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

 Book review

The book How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie was a very interesting perspective on how to view the world and react with others. I learned a lot about how to interact with people. The book explains that people do rationalize their behaviors no matter what other people think. Even if they are illogical, they believe that they do what they think is right. Criticizing someone is damaging to a relationship because it hurts the pride of a person, hurts the sense of importance. The book uses various examples from people personal experiences of what is being explained. For example, the book explains not to criticize because it may lead to resentment or hurt a relationship. There is a story of a supervisor having trouble getting his employees to comply with wearing a hardhat on the construction site. Instead of reprimanding them he used a different approach and explained that the hardhats are importing because it keeps them safe. Employees started to comply without issues after that.

The first chapters explain how to deal with people. Dealing with people, we are dealing with people that think about themselves, so when we want someone to do something for us, we need to convince that person that they want to do it. Of course, we can use force to get people to do things for us, but it will only work for so long. People have a natural desire to be important. So, to give flattery, compliment, appreciate and show gratitude to others creates people to like you and are willing to do things for you. To have people communicate with you talk about what they like, and they will be more willing to open up to you.

Throughout the book it gives examples of how to communicate. Talk to people how it will affect them personally for example if your teenager wants to do something like smoke cigarettes it’s better to explain to them how it will affect them personally, how they will not win an important sports game because they lungs will not function well, instead of saying that you do not want them to smoke. People are ego driven, everything we do is because we want that thing. If we can get someone excited about something, we can arouse an eager want for them to do that thing. Never mention what we want from them, better to have them want it. View the perspective of what the other person is viewing and communicate how something will hurt or help them. How will they benefit from doing something?

          We can make more friends by being interested in others than making friends by getting them interested in you. Real friends are made by genuinely being interested in them. We should wear a smile on our face. A smile communicates that I am glad to see you and you make me happy.  Keep positive thoughts, courage, truthfulness, and smiles attract people. Remembering peoples’ names since people keep their name as an important thing to them.  Recalling names will communicate a subtle compliment but forgetting or mispronouncing it will produce a negative reaction. Remembering people’s names makes them feel important.

Give people a platform to talk about themselves by listening carefully to what interests them.  Be genuinely interested in the conversation and encourage the person to speak.  Doing this flatters the person and it helps the person’s ego. Not listening carefully can cost relations, loss of business it does damage. The listener must be silent, sympathetic and patient while someone is having a crisis. Listening makes a person feel important. If you want to interest people you must study what they like. Spend time researching topics of what the person likes. It makes you look agreeable.

The book gives an example of a baker salesman attempting to earn business from a manger of a hotel for four years, doing everything from staying at the hotel to attending the same social events the manger attended but could not get the sale. Then he studied what interested the manager and discovered he was part of an organization called “Hotel Greeters of America”, and he was the president of this organization.  When he spoke to the manger about the “Greeters” the manger was so happy to talk about the organization he spoke about it for 3 hours. The salesman did not mention anything about selling bread to him. The next day the salesman got a call from the hotel with an order from his baker. After four years of failing the salesman approach of finding something the manger was interested in got him his sale.

Let people win arguments because otherwise it can cause the person to feel inferior. Avoid verbal argument, if possible, because otherwise you maybe win an argument but will never get your opponent’s good will. Some people need to feel important by arguing but if you let them and let them win, they will feel satisfied and become friendlier. Telling people, they are wrong hurts their pride, ego, judgment, etc. it will make them your enemy quickly. You can give them all the logical facts, but it will not change their mind. If you do want to change someone’s mind, do it subtly. You have to help them find it, have them think that they discovered it.

Start by saying that you are not always correct, and you perhaps are incorrect, are open to having your mind changed. This allows the other person to feel more comfortable talking about the issue without the need to argue. Never be blunt and tell the person is wrong, nothing productive will come.

The book explains that when you are wrong, admit the error. When admitting a wrong you don't  give the opportunity for others to attack you, and instead they may show understanding. It takes all the fight out of the other person to do it. Be friendly to everyone, it goes along way, it results in people liking you. Using honey will attract more butterflies than vinegar. Praising and complimenting people will have them opening up to you and willing to do things for you.

Use the secret of Socrates, convincing others to say yes. Start conversations with an affirmative direction, it’s a psychological condition that a person wants to keep on the positive direction. The more yes, we can get a person to say the more we are likely to keep them agreeing to something you need them to say yes to.

The book also gives tips on how to handle complaints. When people want to complain listen, don’t interrupt be understating. Use nods when someone is expressing their feelings, it shows you are truly listening.

Be enthusiastic to get people to cooperate. People will start thinking it’s their idea and will want to do it. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you will understand them better. Dramatize ideas, people will become more attentive. The author says show what you say, it has a more meaningful impact on a person.

If you have trouble with employees performing, simulate competition, it invokes the desire to win.  It causes a person to want to win, to feel important again, feeding the ego. The book read that if you must find fault in someone, do it in a way that you make them feel good and talk about them how you admire something but how they can improve or fix something. When criticizing someone do not use this format “you did this well… but.”. It results in someone thinking that you are not sincere. Instead say what would is good about something like the book gives an example of a sloppy construction crew that would not pick up after themselves, someone points out how nice it was when they cleaned up but did not point out what they did wrong.

In addition, look at your own mistakes before you point out someone else’s, and explain you have made mistakes too and explain what could be done differently. The book explains no one likes getting orders. Instead, we should suggest things, ask their opinion, ask in a friendly way to do something. The book suggests regarding others saving face, by thinking how the person would feel if you berated people in front of others.  We destroy our ego when we don’t let the person save face.

          Giving praise will improve people’s confidence and you will gain influence over them. If you want to change their behavior, give that person a positive image they want to live up to. Inspiring people encourages them to succeed, and people will try to better themselves. When people do what you want to make them happy.  Give people titles, a sense of authority to change attitudes and behavior. Do not make promises you can’t keep.

 

Critique 

          Somethings that I found odd of the book were that it kept giving examples of how people are like animals and can be conditioned to do what we want just like animals. Some of the advice the books gives, I find it difficult to believe it can work that effectively. For example, the advice of letting people win an argument, that it would make them to become friendly and easier to get along. However, I don’t think it would be that easy. In fact, they might find it that you don’t stand up for your values, making you look weak or submissive, it does not earn respect. It can also be dangerous advice when someone, for example, thinks they are correct about something dangerous like not wearing a helmet while riding a motorcycle. The book may suggest that in order to avoid an argument let the person win, but by letting the person win they are now more likely to have fatal consequences in the event of a motorcycle accident because you just agreed with them.

 

Reference:

Carnegie, Dale. (1936). How to win friends and influence people. Simon and Schuster.